I'm giving up on adam. fuck that. he couldn't care less about me so why am i making such a big fuss? ok, well there's the fact that i still have feelings for him. But he's being really cruel to me recently (...so was i, though. so i can't blame him) which is making my feelings for him diminish.
I got drunk yesterday and it felt so good. I completly forgot about him and it made me believe that i COULD forget him if i wanted to. i just need really big distractions for a while.
Apparently, my friend and i called him when we were pissed drunk and yeah. i don't even know what i said. oh well. he acted like a total bitch about it, but wtv. i guess i understand why.
Anyways, i WILL forget him. i know i can. i mean, i deleted him off facebook and msn, so that will make it easier! .. and he'll find better because he's so perfect :)
My loss haha.

so yeah. i've really been losing weight recently. i just have these anorexic episodes sometimes and i won't eat for like 3 days. i lost ten pounds that way haha. (don't follow my example because i'm fucking stupid). I'm planning on losing another 20! i just want to feel better about myself.. and i feel as though that's the only thing i can control in my life. i like having control. i will NEVER fall for anyone ever again. i fucking hate it haha. I'll be an independent woman for the rest of my life and will be living with 10 cats and 3 dogs.
(I love dogs, but cats are easier to take care of)

So yeah. i lost ten pounds. and my personal goal this year is to keep myself from swallowing a shitload of pills haha. and to at least try to make myself feel better and maybe have a bit of fun.. if you know what i mean ;)
AND my second goal is to make one of my best friends (Sooooda Braaain) feel better about herself, too because she's an amazing person and she's always been there for me.
I'll always be there for her too. (I love you sodaa) Everything is just so simple when i talk to her. Easier than talking to adam and that's a big deal. I'm not afraid to open up to her and she's just really special :)
She's smart, gorgeous, talented, an amazing person and everyone loves her, though she fails to see that.

Anyways, that's it for now! next time i go on this site, i'll be cool ;)
i'm writing again which is a really good thing! + the psychologist really helped me to let it all out and let go.
...how suicidal was i before? gosh.. i need some time to take care of myself hahahaha.
yeah.

bye bye

DrowningPoolOfThoughts

I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while. Yesterday i went to bed at 5:30 or six in the morning.. And I woke up at ten. Indeed I am tired, but i'll be okay. I always end up being okay.
He hasn't been talking to me much these days. he always expects me to talk about myself and to open up, but I just can't anymore. Our friendship is sinking and I don't think anything can save it.
When I talk to him it takes hours for him to answer, yet i answer him 2 seconds later. I don't want to let it show, but it really bothers me. It makes me feel pathetic.. as though i still need him in my life and i'm grasping, holding on to what's left. But at the same time, he's walking away.
I knew he deserved better. I think he's finally starting to see it, too.
I can't cry. A part of me wants to just let go and sob. But another part of me tells me not to, because after i do, i'll just feel even more pathetic because it's all worth it. So every time i try to, it doesn't come out.
An internal battle crouds my heart and i start feeling dizzy and intoxicated.
He used to kiss my neck. I sometimes tilt my head to the side unconsciously, as thhough i am expecting something. Just another spark of happiness.

I had to do this test in my psychology class. It was a self-esteem test. The average was 57/80.
I got 25. the lowest. Although i can't say i wasn't expecting it.

I always have to pretend i'm confident, or else people will break me.
I can't think. I'm too tired.
Till next time.

Pool Of Thoughts



 

I felt the need to talk about my best friend/ex-boyfriend.
he's really something special.. i lost count of the number of poems i wrote for him.
he's smart, capable of  keeping up a conversation with me, he's funny. The type of guy who could bring your mood up just by looking at you. he's basically the most attractive guy i've ever met in my life. Although, others may think differently. To me, he's perfect.

I know a lot of people think perfection doesn't exist, but once you meet that guy or girl who just makes you lose your head, i'm sure you'll think differently. He was like the light in a day to me.

I know he'll always have a place in my heart. It just hurts so much now that i'm not with him anymore.. I regret breaking it off so much.. It was just me and my insecurities. Again.

When it happened, i told him i only wanted a break.. but he told me : "Just say what you want to say.."  And that made me think he wanted me to do it.. But i really only wanted a break to think things through.
I loved him more than he liked me.. I mean, if he really did love me, he would have fought, right? He let it pass so easily. And that hurt me more than anything.

I even told him, a few weeks after we broke up, that i still loved him.. and he told me he still liked me but he would never feel the same way about me again. And i completly understood. Who was i kidding? thinking someone could actually love me back..
I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. I'm not pretty, i'm not smart, i'm a clutz and i have the lowest self-esteem on the planet. How could i possibly think that someone like him, someone as perfect as him, could love me, of all people, back?

I miss his smile, his voice as he would whisper in my ear, i miss the way he would embrace me, his touch, his kiss.. I miss him so much..
 

I don't want anyone to think that i am depressed, because i don't think that's the right term to use. I just believe, i know, that i am just sad and that i'm trying to get rid of the pain i feel inside. I never thought that trying to get rid of it would only make things worse. It deepens the cut.
Anyways. you're all probably wondering why i am like this.
Truth is, (and i will tell you the truth, because you don't even know me) i am sad because i regret too much. And regretting is a problem you can never fix.
Yes, i'm young, i'm 15 and i am already full of regrets. I wish i wasn't, but somehow, i know i will forget them. My regrets are probably childish, but it takes a very long time for me to let things go.
That, sadly, is something i learned about myself since i was in 6th grade. (11 years old for those who don't know)
Let me tell you how it all started..

I should probably start by telling you i have two older sisters. they are twins and i am just.. the other one. my sisters are perfect. they're gorgeous, incredibly smart and the're everything i ever dreamed of becoming.
I started realizing that i would never be like them in sixth grade. my parents were always so proud of them, they got good grades without even trying. in a private all-girls nun school, too.
I would never study, because i thought i could do the same thing they did..didn't work out so well.. i was never popular with the guys, whereas everyone around me had someone who liked them. and one more thing: i trusted people too easily. people took advantage of me, and it completly screwed me over.

The thing is, when i got to 7th grade, i bottled things up so much that i ended up hurting myself physically to get rid of all the emotional pain. i replaced the inside with the outside. i would scratch my wrists until they bled and i would cover the marks up with thick bracelets. and i would write everything down in my little purple diary. one day, though, my sister was going through some of my stuff in my room when i wasn't there, and found my little hiding place. she took the diary out and read it all.
she then came to me, crying her eyes out, and asked me why and we stayed up all night with our tarot cards. but then, a few days or weeks later, she told me something that completly shocked me:
"I should never have told you i used to cut myself."

Yes, she had told me she cut herself a year or two before i started doing it. But the fact that she thought i did it just to be like her made things so much worse.. This was something i felt so insecure about. i always had a feeling i was never truly myself. i always thought i was the lesser version of my sisters put together. it felt really bad because i would keep asking myself: what would i be without them? and i had no idea.

Life was completly dull in 8th grade. i stopped hurting myself because i knew my sister was checking on me. so, instead, i started writing poems. It surprised me how well it worked. Poetry is now one of my passions. i also play guitar. but that's not the point. My best friend told me she was changing schools the next year. So instead of dwelling over that fact, i made new friends. (She is still my best friend, though) And yes, i trusted them easily. I told them everything, and i was sure they were going to stay by my side.

In 9th grade, they were still there for me. But that was the worst year i had ever been through.
One of the girls i hung out with, i had been friends with for three years before. When my new friend and i got into a big fight (in which she threatened to spill all my secrets out to everyone, and she did) she took her side. And the worst part is, she didn't even like her before i told her the new girl was a really awesome person. So there i was, left alone with a girl who used to worship the new girl ( the new girl completly dissed her, so i took her side so the new girl got mad and told people about my secrets). It wasn't a very good situation to be in. But i thought everything would get better since i was dating the guy i was completly in love with since i was in 7th grade. (he had finally asked me out after 3 years and i was the happiest i had ever been in my life)

The thing is, after the whole incident with my friends (ex-friends) i started becoming paranoid and i stopped trusting people altogether. including the guy i was going utterly insane for. Also, i always thought he deserved better than me. I was a complete mess and he was well... perfect.  So i started distancing myself from him and blamed him for things he never did until i pretended that things weren't working out because "he was changing and i didn't like it and he was flirting with too many girls". And so i broke it off. I think i was about to die right then and there.

I even kept a knife in the basement for safety. I wasn't the same person i was before and i faked everything. (I pretended i was happy when i really wasn't. i cried at least two or three times a day for the next month. then i pulled the smile and told everyone i was fine and that i was over him and so on) I still do, actually. I cry from time to time, because i know that things could have really worked out and because i was incredibly happy when i was with him. all of my problems would disappear when i would see him. but i still think he deserves much better than me. which is why i would never go back with him. for his sake, you know? The guy was my best friend. i trusted him completly before the whole friend thing. and i really regret breaking it off. i'm still completly in love with the guy. but we're friends, now. he doesn't like me anymore..

Then my family and i found out that one of my sisters was bulimic. she still is. it's affected us all so much because no matter what we do, she's still going to do it. it made my sister and i feel more self-conscious about our weight (though i hide it well because i don't want my other sister to start doing the same thing so i want to set a good example). also, we've tried sending her to rehab, but apparently, she has to have certain characteristics (that she does not have) to get in. so we're going to make her take a blood test for proof. but she's 18, so we can't force her to go..

And yet the bad kept coming. I got kicked out of the private school because i would never study. So i had to leave my whole life behind and start completly new a fresh. you might think that's a good thing, but no, it's not. i'm a loser a my new school. everyone thinks i'm weird. but at least i'm different.

Anyways, that's basically what is going on in my life.
Still in love with my ex-boyfriend and best friend.
Friends that always let me down.
A broken wall of trust that can't be built back up again.
A family trying to cope through everything that comes blasting at them full speed.
A school full of spoiled brats.
And a life i'm trying so hard to change.



Drowning Pool Of Thoughts.